1. Nixon Ball

God Knew Them All

“Joe, what are we going to do?” she inquired desperately.

“I don’t know, but they will stone you to death if it is discovered you are with child out of wedlock,” responded Joseph contemplating their options.

One night of passion and Galilean wine had brought them into potentially fatal predicament. Joseph knew that they had to conceal Mary’s pregnancy until after they were married. But how could they explain the child’s birth only 6 months after their marriage? Besides it would be impossible to hide the pregnancy from Mary’s father, an angry but devoutly religious man. If he found out, he would surely be the first to cast a stone against his daughter. The predicament had found the couple in a desperate place, searching for a way out of the terrifying consequences of their sinful actions.

Then, as Mary lay in her bed one night, she was struck by an idea, as if it had come to her in a dream. Mary had heard stories that the Roman soldiers and tax collectors had brought with them Galilee. She heard of a woman named Rhea Silva who, after finding herself in a predicament similar to Mary’s, had saved her life by claiming the pagan god Mars was the child’s father. The next morning Mary shared her scheme with Joseph, who thought it was so crazy, it just might work.

So the couple agreed that Mary would tell her father, while Joseph would pretend to not believe the story until one of God’s angels “visited” him in a dream. And so on the same day that Augustus Caesar decreed a census should be taken of all Roman lands, Mary told her father that she had been impregnated, not through sexual intercourse, but rather by the God of the Israelites. This virgin pregnancy was part of God’s plan to save the world, which he in his omnipotence could only do by sending his son (as a mortal man) to Earth.

Mary’s father sat calmly and patiently while Mary relayed the story of an angel named Gabriel coming to her and informing her of God’s plan. Just as she was finishing explaining that the child should be named Jesus, Joseph came bursting into the house. Joseph then proceeded to recount his encounter with a different angel who had told him to forgive Mary, and help raise God’s child.

“Father, tell me that you feel I speak the truth,” pleaded Mary at her father’s feet.

“Yes my daughter, I don’t believe that you would lie to me. You wouldn’t take me for such a fool as to come to me with such an outlandish claim, if it were a lie. I will support you before the high priest in due time. But first, Joseph, do you have some spare time this afternoon?” Mary’s father spoke at last.

“Yes sir, I have time all afternoon, all my carpentry is finished for the day,” replied Joseph.

“Good, because I would like to have you do something with Mary and I, just to confirm your story.”

“Anything sir, what can I do?”

“My friend is a doctor and he recently was bragging about a new procedure he can do.”

“A procedure, of what kind?”

“It’s called… a paternity test.”

Epilogue

The paternity test results of course showed that the baby (boy) was, in fact, the biological child of Mary and Joseph. While Joseph lived his life with almost no repercussions, Mary was stoned to death publicly immediately followed the birth of Jesus, which occurred in a prison cell, because she wasn't allowed to travel in order to take part in the census, for fear the unwholesome woman would never return to Nazareth. Jesus received, a warm wool blanket and was given to Mary's father as an adopted child. Friends of the family (including some pretty unwise men) gave copper, salt, and ceramic. Jesus then grew up at the bottom of society since all his peers parents remembered the circumstances under which he was conceived. At the age of twelve, young Jesus was actually thrown out of the Temple for making up fantastic interpretations of scripture (purely a cry for attention). Jesus became a carpenter like his father, never left Nazareth, and died in obscurity at age 78.