Prompt 6: Week of 30 January 2011

"Write an official response to a disgruntled customer's complaint."

Submissions are due 07 February at 12:00 AM.

Gabe Takes the Cake

Gabe puts and end to the ambiguity by narrowly winning Round 5.

5. Gregory M.

“Say six Rosaries and your sins will be forgiven for your earnest repentance.”

“Thank you, Father.”

Nice weather out here. Better than that musty cardboard box of a church, at least.

Reconciliation was a joke. Why do I keep going? Earning my way into heaven one month’s sins at a time… I guess I feel a little better now. At least somebody knows I’m not perfect. Shut up. Everybody knows you’re not perfect.

Just get home, have some lunch. Damn last night’s chicken will be good. Hope Father forgets about that confession… It’s not that I hate hobos, it’s just they don’t seem—

“That’s the passphrase!”

“HOLY CRAP WHAT”

“Relax, my friend, you’ve simply revealed the passphrase. You are now enlightened.”

“Where the hell did you come from? What the—?”

“Dude, seriously, cool your body. You said the passphrase: that thing about hobos. You get three wishes.”

“What do hobos have to do with this?”

“Never mind that, just hurry up and give me your wishes.”
“Uhhh…. Okay… Um, I wish I had a million dollars. Original huh?”

“Okay. Done. It’s at your apartment. Next?”

“Ummm…” Think big. Bigger. Yes!

“I wish God existed.”

“Can’t do that. Contradiction.”

“What do you mean contradiction? Make him exist if he doesn’t, don’t if he already does.”

“What kind of God?”

“You know, an all-knowing and benevolent creator. He’s been around forever and will always be around. The guy I just confessed for, for Christ’s sake.” I wish this freak would get out of my way.

“Can’t make a God—not in the sense that you’re thinking. A transcendental, omnipotent, omniscient liege of the universe? No. I want to keep my job.”

“Fine, I wish you were an unscrupulous wish-granter.”

“F--k you.”

“I wish God exists.”

Alex did not remain extant long enough to see the universe collapse into an infinitesimal non-contradiction singularity which called itself ‘God.’

5. Gabriel Reynolds

From: donotreply@etherealamnesty.org

Subject: Your three wishes

Dear Mrs. Carlton,

I hope this day finds you well. My name is Rathul. I speak to you concerning three wishes you have been given by my agency, Ethereal Amnesty. It has come to our attention that, despite the magnitude of our intervention and our rigid adherence to your requests, you would remain unaware of your blessings without a conscious effort on our part to contact you. The following are the instances in which we provided you with aid:

1. May 21, 1996 – Your fiancée’s fatal car accident while driving back from work. You remarked the next day that you “just wish he would have stayed home.” We granted you your request.

2. July 7, 2002 – Your husband’s assertion that he was being completely faithful to you and your marriage. You remarked, “I wish I believed you.” We granted you your request.

3. January 29, 2011 – Your discovery that your husband was having an affair with your sister. You remarked, “I would rather have walked in on you dead than walked in on that.” We granted you your request.

Thank you for your time. We hope our performance has been to your satisfaction.

Best regards,

Rathul Jhovenich

Ethereal Amnesty