Prompt 9: Week of 26 June 2011

"Pitch a real or fictional product."

Submissions due 04 July at 12:00 AM.

Post 8 Leaves Nixon the Victor. #Winning

Tune in next week for a product pitch!

p.s. > Did you know that the Arc de Triomphe was commissioned by Mr. Ball?

8. Gabriel Reynolds

Sunday

Grumpy: bagel time.. hell yes it has been so long since ive had a bagel

Grumpy: damn tomorrow is monday

Monday

Grumpy: ugh monday

Grumpy: haha sleepy fell asleep during his drivers test.. figures

Tuesday

Grumpy: a loving god would not make mornings a thing

Grumpy: watching house with doc.. I think he has a gay boner for taub haha

Grumpy: how i met your mother is a terrible show

Wednesday

Grumpy: hump day ugh

Grumpy: sneezy just got back from the doctor … been sneezin a lot

Grumpy: turns out its herpes

Grumpy: how the hell does sneezy get laid

Thursday

Grumpy: tomatoes are evil

Grumpy: so dopey just got locked out of the house again… remember kids, don’t do drugs

Friday

Grumpy: disney world tomorrow woot woot rebecca black got nothing on me

Grumpy: ate bashfuls leftover mexican… not like he’ll say anything

Saturday

Grumpy: hate long drives... especially when happy picks the music… i want to kill the whole cast of glee several times in a row right now

Grumpy: disney world hell yes this is happening

Grumpy: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL I AM NOT TOO SHORT TO GO ON YOUR FUCKING ROLLER COASTER DO YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM IM LIKE YOUR FUCKING MASCOT AAAAH FUCKKKKKKKK

Grumpy: MY CONTRACT FORBIDS ME TO SAY THIS BUT IF IT DIDN’T REST ASSURED I WOULD BE SAYING FUCK DISNEY WORLD RIGHT ABOUT NOW

Grumpy: FUCK

Grumpy: EVERY

Grumpy: FUCKING

Grumpy: THING

Grumpy: GAAAAAAAAAAH

8. Gregory M.

Kierkegaard V2: Rams are some seriously stupid animals. Also mom’s condition isn’t getting any better… Gonna go get some drink to forget about it.  

Kierkegaard V2: Worst night in a long time. Woke up surrounded by men I didn’t know! They wouldn’t listen to anything I said, just started fighting me. Gave them a solid beating. Killed a couple.

Kierkegaard V2: Feeling lonelier than ever. Even mom won’t talk to me. #Nothing

Kierkegaard V2: Got assaulted by my neighbor today! Fought back for a while but the bastard was so pathetic I carried him home. Didn’t leave a scratch on me.

Kierkegaard V2: Had enough of this war. Neighbors have been more hostile, attacking each other and even me! But I’ve got control over them still, I’m their maker. Ate a few of them too.

Kierkegaard V2: Some guys from Denmark got here today. What a leader they had! Arms like pillars… Think I’ll go investigate tonight, maybe kill him. #Nothing

8. Nixon

Tuesday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: first tweet eva! Can't wait to share the spirit of camaraderie with my fellow oppressed workers. I am from Detroit and have been oppressed in the Auto industry for 20 years. #Detroit, #Poeverty #First Tweet, #Communism

Stalin4adifferentEngel: I intend to try to get as many followers as I can and use that power to raise awareness for the Uniting Workers of the World #NWO, #Communism,

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Twitter is overrun with accounts that are controlled by corporations. Follow me, help alleviate the influence of corporations. Keep the greedy oppressors out of this space. #NWO, #Communism, #CorporateAmerica


Wednesday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: America is to be overthrown by the common man. Democracy is not for all the people! ONLY THE SUPER RICH BENEFIT FROM DEMOCRACY! America is a developed aristrocracy. Spread the wealth #NWO, #Communism, #John Lennon

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Sad day for twitter, corporate takeover begins. Users allowed to sell ad space on their accounts. Write Twitter to protest! Keep communication free from monetary influence! #Bono, #Adspace

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Twitter is a great place to exercise freedom of speech. We can't afford to listen to people who have big business pushing millions of dollars to influence what they say. #Twitter, #Adspace, #Obama

Stalin4adifferentEngel: America's middle class is poor relative to the billionaires who now sit on Capitol Hill. Obama is a capitalist pig, don't vote democrat, don't vote Republican. The system is broken we need REAL CHANGE NOW. Overthrow by the working class #Revolution, #Egypt, #Libya, #Workers, #Detroit Auto Workers, # Obama


Thursday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: Wow yesterday's tweets really got you guys going. 25k followers. Comrades we are uniting, spread the word. Do not let corporate America buy your VOICE

Stalin4adifferentEngel: To my 45k followers: If you follow anyone or any entity that is run or founded by the capitalist, conservative system, stop following now! #New World Order, #Coke, #CNN, #FoxNews, #Netflix, #Obama, #Stephen Colbert, #Kanye West, #Green Peace

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Thanks to Glen Beck's denouncing of the NWO, NWO is now trending highly on twitter. It worked in Egypt, let's start a revolution here. We CAN do it! #NWO


Friday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: 100k strong today. We have joined up with other communist groups. Registation online for the American Communist Brotherhood Party. #ACBP, #NWO, #FreshMarket

Stalin4adifferentEngel: What a great week for the communist movement, we are acquiring the necessary funds to really mount a campaign. Don't worry this IS for a just cause. The end will justify the means. #Money, #Communism, #ACBP, #NWO, #Gillette

Saturday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: Official acknowledgment of ACBP by major news sources today. Also thanks to all 200k followers. #ACBP, #NWO, #CocaCola

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Pepsi Ltd. has not raised wages for years and CEO is a multi-billionaire! CEO is basically stealing from the workers, disconnecting them from the fruits of their labor. This injustice must end. If all 250k followers boycott Pepsi then the people win! #BoycottPepsi, #NWO, #ACBP

Sunday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: Boycott going very well, Pepsi promises to raise wages AND admits this will hurt profits. Great sucess for the movement, but we must bring this evil company down. Keep boycotting Pepsi #NWO, #ACBP, #BoycottPepsi

Stalin4adifferentEngel: We hope to give "Red State" a new meaning after the next election. Red will be the color of true Americans! Red! Red! RED! Let's Refresh the Country and bring out the Red. Enjoy Red. #Red, #ACBP

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Tomorrow is Monday, and we need as many signatures as possible to get ACBP candidates on the ballot, so go out, sign up, come back home, and relax with a nice refreshing Coca- Cola. #CocaCola, #ACBP, #Politics

Monday
Stalin4adifferentEngel: Just a reminder to Drink Coke! Also ACBP failed to get on the ballots, looks like you poor people are still screwed. #Coca Cola

Stalin4adifferentEngel: Coke's now only 89 cents per can at select Food Lions across America. While supplies last!

Prompt 8: Week of Feb 20, 27

"Write a week's worth of posts from a Twitter account."

Submissions due 06 March at 11:30 PM.

Greg Wins Again

Greg lays down the law (much like Kim Jong-Il) on step two of a winning streak.

Nixon takes another stroll down Meta Lane, the street that crosses itself.

7. Gabriel Reynolds

: rough draft, finish by Tuesday :

BASIC

Travis Parker
b. 11/29/88 d. 1/10/11 – 22 yrs
f. Jeffrey, m. Sabrina, no siblings
Schenectady, NY
Abraham Fellowship Community College – class of 2011

PASSING

Suicide? (consensus)
No body found, left note in dorm indicating intentions to “leave this world behind,” no explanation or motivation offered
Unsuccessful police search lasting two weeks
Cell phone and wallet in dorm, car on campus in usual spot
Laptop missing
“So unexpected” (mom) because he had just finished planning expensive mission trip to Africa

LIFE

Active in Campus Crusade
Girlfriend – Sara Sparks (also involved in CC)
Foreign Relations Major
Family history of work in the Church (father is pastor)
Played guitar, frisbee

LEGACY / SOFT SERVE

His passion for Christ left an indelible mark on the community of AFCC
His smile and his spirit were beacons of encouragement for everyone who knew him
…Should be remembered for his life, rather than his death.
Friends and family comforted by last part of Travis’ note – “You will see me again.” (“we know we will see him in heaven someday” says mom)
Get quote from classmate? Make up if deadline threatens

7. Nixon Ball

Andrew David Evans

Mr. Andrew David Evans of Chapel Hill and Cary, NC was pronounced dead at 11:49 February 20th, 2011 . Born March 22, 1991 to JP and Nancy Evans. The coroners announcement followed almost three months of ambiuguity in regards to his condition and whereabouts. Close friends first noted his ailing condition in Week 0 when his post seemed weak and frail. In the following weeks his activity dropped and disappeared. In life Evans was noted for his acute senses and ability to note the disturbance of objects in his immediate surroundings, even if not present for the event. Evans also gained some notoriety for having shot a six on hole 8 at Kentwood Disc Golf Course in Raleigh. He is remembered as a strong and manly gentleman with a superb sense of style. The Virginia native is survived by one post and and a wasted account on blogspot. No Funeral services to be held.




[(Inappropriate? Probably.

Meta again? Of course.)]

7. Gregory M.

The following column was excerpted from Pyongyang Royal Newspaper and interpreted for reprinting by N.Y. Times correspondent Dr. Alan Lehigh.

The world of Earth is doomed to eternal flame as it must now exist in the absence of its Lord Kim Jong-Il. However The Democratic Republic of Korea must persevere in its mission and continue along the path toward global rule.

            The Supreme Leader has left us in flesh only and as ManGod he remains with the DRK and will continue to guide us. Fear not, people of the DRK, as the might of Kim Jong-Il transcends mortality.

            The Great General Himself is survived by his Son and Heir to the Worldly Throne, and also three other offspring of his Holy Fruits. After approximately two-hundred and forty years under the guidance of Kim Jong-Il we must now embrace the rule of the Dear Leader’s son-successor.

            We recall the numerous glories of His life. The Supreme Leader lived a life of Godly splendor and he deserved all of its rewards. He was world expert of the internet. He was modest in keeping just seventeen palaces. His skills as a golfing man were unrivaled: averaging a score of eighteen on international courses pushed him to the forefront of the sport. We nostalgically remind the people of our Dear Leader’s love of fine international cinema, only to be viewed properly on the soil of the DRK. Space Jam was the only masterpiece fit for obsessive viewing by our Leader and Michael Jordan the only athlete to ever compete with our Leader’s athletic prowess.

            Never since our Leader’s Father Kim Il-Song has there lived so glorious a man on our planet. The sixteen grizzly bears which His Highness managed to strangle before being cheated of his life by the vermin dragon beast from America will remember the divine majesty of our former Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il.

Prompt 7: Weeks of 07, 13 February 2011

"Write a fictional obituary."

Submissions due 21 February at 12:00 AM.

Greg Dominates

Week 6 brings decisive victory for Greg and his dignified meditation on indignity.

6. Gabriel Reynolds

• -ELEKTRA RECORDS- •

Dear Jesse,

We are sincerely sorry that you did not enjoy our latest album, Feels Like Forever. The precision and relevancy of your complaints demonstrate a thorough understanding of our role as artists, and they accurately reflect the struggles we were having with the songwriting and recording process. Your condescension towards our decision to “sell out” was especially resonant. Selling out was a move much debated amongst the band, and we were still divided on its merits when we made the decision. We were surprised to find how badly it could turn out. Gil has discovered that he cannot write good songs ever since we signed the contract with Elektra Records. He has gone so far as to write and play only with his left hand in an attempt to alleviate the curse (he signed the contract with his right hand), but to no avail. Patrick (he’s our guitarist) can only play barre chords now, essentially eliminating the melodically inventive guitar lines that used to be his strength. Nicolas (our drummer, not our bassist as you mistakenly claimed) woke up unable to play in any time signature but 4/4. Kevin (actual bassist) forgot all the basslines from our first two albums, preventing us from playing any of our older material at our shows. We have no direct explanation for these musical failings; their only connection is that they immediately followed the signing of our contract. We wonder if the gods of art are punishing us for our trespasses against independent music. Feels Like Forever was the best we could do with our array of diminished talents, the most worthy statement we could muster in the wake of our selling out. It is not a record we are proud of. We hoped that it might bring joy to the more understanding of our fans and perhaps to a few members of the mainstream audience as well. We are sorry that it caused you the pain that it did. Thank you for your time, and please continue to enjoy our older records.

Sincerely,

Skinny Jeans (Gil, Pat, Kevin, and Nic)

• -ELEKTRA RECORDS- •

6. Nixon Ball

WESTERN UNION
telegram

Starvograd's Bridal and Other Catalog Services. 1878 Maroonlamp Street, St. Petersburg.

While I appreciate the speedy 4 week delivery when I opened my crate at the dock I was quite dissatisfied with your product. It seems that the product did not survive the shipping processes, in fact she seems quite lifeless. I demand full refund or replacement within the month, or I will pursue legal action.

James Buchanan, President US

6. Gregory M.

Mr. Primley,

All of us at Worldview Travel Agencies, Inc. deeply regret the circumstances that led to your dissatisfaction with us as a company. I take this correspondence as an opportunity to assure you that we did all within our power to ensure the excellence of your travel experience.

Your demands from us as a company were both reasonable and rightful. We organize hundreds of honeymoons every year, and nearly as many Africa-bound excursions. That you chose our company as the means to give your new wife an unforgettable escape to Africa is truly a compliment.

I must stress, however, that your recent complaint will also be taken as a valuable compliment. The goal of our work is to expose our customers to the majesty of exploration, which they can find through traveling to foreign reaches of the globe. We strive to introduce people to extraordinary places, peoples, and cultures. In our business with you I believe we have succeeded in introducing you to the unfamiliar—although your exposure was, as you described it, both “mortifying and sexually belittling.”

I myself have traveled much of central Africa. The elephants are, of course, a primary attraction. That you happened upon so visibly aroused specimen as to induce such overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, which would render you unable to make the honeymoon enjoyable for your wife,  is terribly unfortunate.

On behalf of WTA, I sympathize with your discomposure. Recalling the motto of our company, however, I am pressed to communicate that we do not feel inadequate as a company.

We hope you intend to continue doing business with us, and may your future explorations be both thrilling and dignifying.  

Yours most sincerely,

Leonard A. LaScala

Customer Relations, Worldview Travel Agencies, Inc.

“We’ll show you the world: Go big.”

___________________________________________________________

*This response is based on an actual customer complaint. Yes, in real life.

Prompt 6: Week of 30 January 2011

"Write an official response to a disgruntled customer's complaint."

Submissions are due 07 February at 12:00 AM.

Gabe Takes the Cake

Gabe puts and end to the ambiguity by narrowly winning Round 5.

5. Gregory M.

“Say six Rosaries and your sins will be forgiven for your earnest repentance.”

“Thank you, Father.”

Nice weather out here. Better than that musty cardboard box of a church, at least.

Reconciliation was a joke. Why do I keep going? Earning my way into heaven one month’s sins at a time… I guess I feel a little better now. At least somebody knows I’m not perfect. Shut up. Everybody knows you’re not perfect.

Just get home, have some lunch. Damn last night’s chicken will be good. Hope Father forgets about that confession… It’s not that I hate hobos, it’s just they don’t seem—

“That’s the passphrase!”

“HOLY CRAP WHAT”

“Relax, my friend, you’ve simply revealed the passphrase. You are now enlightened.”

“Where the hell did you come from? What the—?”

“Dude, seriously, cool your body. You said the passphrase: that thing about hobos. You get three wishes.”

“What do hobos have to do with this?”

“Never mind that, just hurry up and give me your wishes.”
“Uhhh…. Okay… Um, I wish I had a million dollars. Original huh?”

“Okay. Done. It’s at your apartment. Next?”

“Ummm…” Think big. Bigger. Yes!

“I wish God existed.”

“Can’t do that. Contradiction.”

“What do you mean contradiction? Make him exist if he doesn’t, don’t if he already does.”

“What kind of God?”

“You know, an all-knowing and benevolent creator. He’s been around forever and will always be around. The guy I just confessed for, for Christ’s sake.” I wish this freak would get out of my way.

“Can’t make a God—not in the sense that you’re thinking. A transcendental, omnipotent, omniscient liege of the universe? No. I want to keep my job.”

“Fine, I wish you were an unscrupulous wish-granter.”

“F--k you.”

“I wish God exists.”

Alex did not remain extant long enough to see the universe collapse into an infinitesimal non-contradiction singularity which called itself ‘God.’