Prompt 7: Weeks of 07, 13 February 2011

"Write a fictional obituary."

Submissions due 21 February at 12:00 AM.

Greg Dominates

Week 6 brings decisive victory for Greg and his dignified meditation on indignity.

6. Gabriel Reynolds

• -ELEKTRA RECORDS- •

Dear Jesse,

We are sincerely sorry that you did not enjoy our latest album, Feels Like Forever. The precision and relevancy of your complaints demonstrate a thorough understanding of our role as artists, and they accurately reflect the struggles we were having with the songwriting and recording process. Your condescension towards our decision to “sell out” was especially resonant. Selling out was a move much debated amongst the band, and we were still divided on its merits when we made the decision. We were surprised to find how badly it could turn out. Gil has discovered that he cannot write good songs ever since we signed the contract with Elektra Records. He has gone so far as to write and play only with his left hand in an attempt to alleviate the curse (he signed the contract with his right hand), but to no avail. Patrick (he’s our guitarist) can only play barre chords now, essentially eliminating the melodically inventive guitar lines that used to be his strength. Nicolas (our drummer, not our bassist as you mistakenly claimed) woke up unable to play in any time signature but 4/4. Kevin (actual bassist) forgot all the basslines from our first two albums, preventing us from playing any of our older material at our shows. We have no direct explanation for these musical failings; their only connection is that they immediately followed the signing of our contract. We wonder if the gods of art are punishing us for our trespasses against independent music. Feels Like Forever was the best we could do with our array of diminished talents, the most worthy statement we could muster in the wake of our selling out. It is not a record we are proud of. We hoped that it might bring joy to the more understanding of our fans and perhaps to a few members of the mainstream audience as well. We are sorry that it caused you the pain that it did. Thank you for your time, and please continue to enjoy our older records.

Sincerely,

Skinny Jeans (Gil, Pat, Kevin, and Nic)

• -ELEKTRA RECORDS- •

6. Nixon Ball

WESTERN UNION
telegram

Starvograd's Bridal and Other Catalog Services. 1878 Maroonlamp Street, St. Petersburg.

While I appreciate the speedy 4 week delivery when I opened my crate at the dock I was quite dissatisfied with your product. It seems that the product did not survive the shipping processes, in fact she seems quite lifeless. I demand full refund or replacement within the month, or I will pursue legal action.

James Buchanan, President US

6. Gregory M.

Mr. Primley,

All of us at Worldview Travel Agencies, Inc. deeply regret the circumstances that led to your dissatisfaction with us as a company. I take this correspondence as an opportunity to assure you that we did all within our power to ensure the excellence of your travel experience.

Your demands from us as a company were both reasonable and rightful. We organize hundreds of honeymoons every year, and nearly as many Africa-bound excursions. That you chose our company as the means to give your new wife an unforgettable escape to Africa is truly a compliment.

I must stress, however, that your recent complaint will also be taken as a valuable compliment. The goal of our work is to expose our customers to the majesty of exploration, which they can find through traveling to foreign reaches of the globe. We strive to introduce people to extraordinary places, peoples, and cultures. In our business with you I believe we have succeeded in introducing you to the unfamiliar—although your exposure was, as you described it, both “mortifying and sexually belittling.”

I myself have traveled much of central Africa. The elephants are, of course, a primary attraction. That you happened upon so visibly aroused specimen as to induce such overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, which would render you unable to make the honeymoon enjoyable for your wife,  is terribly unfortunate.

On behalf of WTA, I sympathize with your discomposure. Recalling the motto of our company, however, I am pressed to communicate that we do not feel inadequate as a company.

We hope you intend to continue doing business with us, and may your future explorations be both thrilling and dignifying.  

Yours most sincerely,

Leonard A. LaScala

Customer Relations, Worldview Travel Agencies, Inc.

“We’ll show you the world: Go big.”

___________________________________________________________

*This response is based on an actual customer complaint. Yes, in real life.